Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill?

"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and his 19-year old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death."

Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?"

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world.

"That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world".

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language:

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a surprise, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

"Well," replies Hillary Clinton, "in the United States we call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth."

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ... OK? Good. I am getting along pretty well now.

The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm,he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.

It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.

This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village. I guess that's it.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in American History and an "F" in Political Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

Webster Hubble was crying in his milk to Bill Clinton about the latest indictments against him and his wife for failing to pay almost a million dollars in income taxes. "If she wasn't married to me," he philosophized, "she wouldn't be in this mess."

"I know what you mean," said Clinton. "If Hillary wasn't married to me, I'd be pumping gas in Hope, Arkansas and she'd be married to another President."

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display:

The first has a picture of Jimmy Carter with a white mustache. The picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. "It is titled "Forgot milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It is titled "Not Milk."

Bill Clinton was at a county fair and the owner of a huge pig farm approached him carrying a piglet. "Mister President, your wife has done such wonderful things for the cattle industry by playing the beef futures market that I'd like to give her this baby pig in hopes it will inspire her to buy futures in pork bellies." Clinton thanked the man and took the piglet. Later, as he boarded Air Force One with the piglet gripped firmly under one arm, the Marine guard saluted him and said, "Nice pig, Sir."

"Oh," said Clinton, "I was given this for Hillary."

The Marine glanced at the pig. "Nice trade, Sir."

President Clinton had just told the American public, in a profoundly indignant way, the he had "...never had sex with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." After his denial was aired on every television station in America, he asked his pollster to get a sampling of the people's reaction. The pollster said they intended to do that as soon as they could, but a computer virus had crashed all their computers and it might be days before they were up and running again. Clinton complained that he couldn't wait days, so the pollster said he knew of a wise old man who simply could "feel" things, and maybe he could "feel" the way Americans reacted to the speech. The President thought that was a great idea and promised to go see the man right away.

"Just one thing," warned the pollster. "He never just comes right out and tells you the answer. He always tells a story with a moral and you have to figure out the answer."

Clinton said he'd keep that in mind and went to see the old man. He asked the old man what America thought of his "denial" speech.

The old man thought a minute and said, "There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

"As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.

"The moral of the story is," said the old man to the President, " Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit!"

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky Frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog," the man asks. "Ribbit three wood," the frog replies. The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6".

Now , this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. The man bets all on black 6 and wins! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Al Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

"What's the matter" he asked

"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news"

"What's the bad news?"

"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site; Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."

"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."

Bill and Hillary were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary woke up and started shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill continued sleeping, so Hillary shook him again. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally woke up and asked, "What do you want?"

Hillary replied, "I have to go use the bathroom."

Bill sighed, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary looked hurt, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country" and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll"; the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.

Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!"

.......the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.

Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Dan Quale compete in a spelling Bee. The deciding question is “How do you spell the word HARASS?” Who wins?

Dan Quale wins because he is the only one who understands that HARASS is only one word.

At a news conference, a journalist said to President Clinton, "Paula Jones said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," said Bill, "that she has a big mouth."

The Wizard of Oz visits Washington DC. He sees Al Gore and asks if there is anything he wants. "Well, sure!" says Al. "I'd like to have a brain." "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the veep a brain.

Next he sees Al D'Amato, the Senator from New York, and asks if there is anything he wants. D'Amato thinks for a second and says he would like to have a heart. "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the Senator a heart.

Finally the Wizard sees Bill Clinton and asks if there is anything the President wants. Bill pauses, looks around for a minute and quietly asks, "Where's Dorothy?"

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him.

"What is it?" the President yells.

"It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

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