I don’t feel anything.

Come on, it’s graduation.

Did you see what Mr Carroll wrote in my yearbook? Well, he ridiculed me all year long, and then he writes, "You’re a real live-wire, Love Mr Carroll." Y’know, it’s all so phoney.

He wants to leave things on a good note.

Well, where Mr Carroll uses the word ‘love’, I look for a new word.

Lloyd, she’s being difficult.

I’m going to take out Diane Court again.

That’s unlikely.

The movies are a good second date, you know, as a date?

But you never had a first date.

Yes I did- I sat across from her in a mall. We ate together. We ate, that’s eating, sharing an important physical event.

That’s not even a scam.

What’s a scam?

Going out as friends.

No it’s not. A scam is lusting.

Then, what’s a date?

A date is pre-arrangement, with the possibility for love.

Then what’s love?

I’m gonna call her.

Diane Court doesn’t go out with guys like you. She’s a brain.

Trapped in the body of a gameshow hostess.

Diane Court does not realise how good-looking she is.

Sounds great to me, I’m going to call her, that’s what’s cool about her.

Brains stay with brains. The bomb could go off and their mutant genes would form the same cliques.

I wouldn’t get my hopes up Lloyd.

I’m sorry. It’s just you’re a really nice guy, and we don’t want to see you get hurt.

I wanna get hurt!

Well, it’s almost over. We’ve gone to school together for three years... I might cut that part out.

Why? It’s fine. It’s nice.

Having taken a few courses at the university this year, I have glimpsed our future, and all I can say is... go back.

Ha! Go back! What a great line!

You like it?

Oh yeah!

I didn’t think anyone would get it.

Oh no, no, it’s... it’s wonderful. It’s... no, don’t worry about it. You’re very funny. Go back, that’s great!

Alright, no more, I’m going to save it.

Okay.

I love you guys! Party at Valhere’s, going to be great. Be there.

Thank-you Joe.

Thank you. Thank-you Joe. Now it’s time. I just can’t introduce this person without saying ‘History, Oceanography, Creative Writing, Biochemistry’. I think you know who I’m talking about. We’re going to remember this student who said "Hey world, check me out." Giving a speech entitled ‘Soaring Ahead’, Miss Diane Court.

Thank-you. The real world.

Look at those eyes.

We’re all about to enter ‘The Real World’. That’s what everybody says. But most of us have been in the real world for a long time. But I have something to tell everybody. I’ve glimpsed our future, and all I can say is... ‘Go Back’.

Ha!

Well, it’s almost over. We’ve gone to school together for three years, and we’ve been through a lot. But with that training out of High School gone, what’s going to happen to us? We all know what the answers are. We want to be happy, go to college, own a car, maybe raise a family. But what if that doesn’t happen? I have, I have to be honest though, I have all the hope and ambition in the world. But when I think about the future, the truth is, I am really...scared.

Alright, get up on it. Yeah, alright.

See you at home.

Alright.

Now do yourself and everyone who loves you a favor, and don’t talk to Joe.

Mum! Mum!

Look at those eyes.

Lloyd, give it up.

Do me a favor; take a picture of me with her.

Lloyd.

C’mon, just do it.

C’mon Lloyd.

Please?

That’s just so embarrassing.

Please?

Alright. Alright, Okay, here.

Wait for me for when I get round to the front. (?)

Okay, I got it.

Your graduation present is parked right over there.

Are you kidding, that?

Lloyd?

Hey, sis.

I’m sorry. Sam had to do a new crown, we had [?], and Jason had a sore throat. Your big graduation, and no one was there.

It’s no problem. I called Mom and Dad in Germany; it’s like they were there.

I hope you understand.

Hey, bad throat, huh J-man?

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta go ‘YEAH’, strength. Poor little man.

Why do you eat that stuff? There’s no food in your food. Not too loud, the red line’s there for a reason.

How do you know how to draw the red line anyway?

Because it’s loud enough so the neighbors don’t complain, that’s how come I know.

Good thing there’s not a red line on you, J-man. YEAH!

YEAH!

He’s back. Hey my brother, can I borrow a copy of your ‘Hey Soul Classics’?

No my brother, you have to go buy your own.

Hook up the jab, hook up the jab.(?)

Why can’t you be his uncle and not his playmate?

Jesus Christ. I get in a good mood. How hard is it just to decide to be in a good mood, and then be in a good mood?

Gee, it’s easy.

Look, I’m really sorry that Mom and Dad made you take me in. Really. If it’s such a big deal, I’ll go. But remember this, it used to be fun. It used to be warped, twisted and hilarious, and I mean that in the best possible way, I mean it as a compliment. I mean, I’m sorry T-I-M left you. But I am not T-I-M.

I was hilarious once, wasn’t I?

Yeah.

I still am.

Dad, you have to teach me to suture this weekend.

Okay, I promise I will. Just come here a minute, I want to show you something.

What are you doing?

Well, since I’m not only your father, I’m also your friend; I had to get you two presents.

God, that’s... this is ridiculous.

Now this is the only thing your mother ever gave me that I kept. Now it’s yours. Go ahead, open it.

Oh god, I don’t need all these presents. I don’t know any kid who got a car, I mean...

Oh god! Wow, it’s beautiful.

They really applauded you today honey.

I was standing up there and looking at all the people, and I felt like they didn’t know me. I mean, maybe I shouldn’t have taken all those courses out of school, because everybody thinks I... forget it.

No, wait a minute. Everybody thinks you’re what?

Everybody thinks I’m a priss.(?)

Diane, in a million years, you could never be a... priss. It’s all working out for you honey, don’t you see? It’s all working out, just like we planned. All the years of summer school, all the vacations you gave up, it’s all working out just the way we planned...

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I’m sorry.

I love you dad.

I love you too honey.

Yah! Yah! Yah!

You’re headed for day-care, buddy.

You’re tough, J-man.

He’s a mess!

I’ll be in my office.

I just washed this shirt, didn’t I?

Yeah!

Please, not in my ear. Not in my ear.

Jim Court?

Hello. May I please speak with Diane please?

Sorry, Diane isn’t here at the moment.

Uh... okay... um...

Is this the guy with the Mustang?

No.

The guy with the Datsun?

No.

The truck?

Uh, no, not really, no actually, basically, you don’t know me. I’m a friend of your daughters; well I sat with her yesterday at the mall.

I drive a blue Chevy Malibu. I don’t know,

I guess I’m pretty bad at this, but what I wanted to do is... could I please...

Why don’t I just get your phone number, that’s usually how it works.

Oh. Okay then... Lloyd Dobler, 555-1342.

555-1342. 555-1342.

Okay, I’ll give here the message.

Okay. She’s really pretty great, isn’t she?

What?

She’s really pretty great, isn’t she?

Yeah, she is. Good luck.

Okay. Good afternoon. Goodbye.

Jim Court... no, this is her father. I’ll take...

What?... No, I didn’t get the letter... yes... yes, right away... yes, thank-you, goodbye.

Mr Taylor, you are a vision in green! Here, let me mail this for you. You can trust a man who writes a letter everyday.

Is Diane here? I gotta talk to her.

She’s upstairs, Mr Court.

I gotta tell you this carefully. [?], Ben, could you do me a favor, just a couple of minutes? Great, won’t be long, thanks.

What?

I just had a phone call.

Tell me, is it bad news?

No, no, just listen. You won the Wreath (?) fellowship.

Are you kidding? You’re not kidding? You’re not kidding!

You won it. You’re going to study at the finest institute at England, the toughest fellowship in the country, and you won.

I won?

You’re going to take a big step, a big leap, and before you do, I just want one thing from you, miss. You stand up straight and admit you’re special.

God, I’ll have to go on a plane.

We’ll worry about that later. Now come on, tell me that you’re special.

Don’t do this to me. You’re too good at making me nervous.

No, listen to me. You’re the best in the country, don’t you understand? It’s like a pyramid. It starts out with everybody, and it narrows through your life and through everything, and all the hoopla and the competition narrows it down to one brilliant person who is so special that they celebrate you on two continents. And it’s you. So tell me something, where’s the flaw in that? There is no flaw.

Hello? Yeah, just a second, Corey. Oh, sorry. Diane Court?

No, no, don’t go in there.

Forget it, forget it, it’s mine, it’s mine!

Too bad!

No noise, no sound, no movement, nothing! Hello, Diane?

Hi. You called me?

Yeah. I read about your fellowship in the paper, and I’m very glad you called me back.

Yeah?

Yeah. I just wanted to congratulate you on your scholarship to England, and I wanted to tell you that I thought your speech was really incredible.

Thank you very much.

Whoah, what a day, huh?

Yeah. What a day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Quick question - do you know who I am?

Yes, we sat together at Bell’s Square.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You remember?

No, I read it on the message.

Okay, um, so it’s Lloyd and... uh... uh... let’s go out. Do you wanna go out?

Oh, thanks, but I’m busy.

Busy?

Yes. Things are pretty hectic right now, but thanks.

Are you busy on Friday?

Yeah, I have to help my father.

Are you busy on Saturday?

Saturday, I have some things to do around the house.

So you’re monumentally busy?

Well, not monumentally.

What about tonight then, are you going to that party at Valhere’s?

Hmmm....

Look Diane, I’m sorry, but I can’t allow you to leave the country without going to Valhere’s graduation party. This gentleman, he’s twenty-two, and he comes out of hiding once a year for this occasion, and he dresses up as the Lakeside rooster, and he,

And he makes this drink called the ‘Purple Passion’.

Actually, I think that I...

Y’know, you’re not in England yet, you know that of course, and by the way, I want to just tell you that I lived in England for a few months,

And my parents are in the army you know, so they live in England and Germany, and

I could give you an enormous amount of tips. Many tips. English tips.

Well...

No tips. I won’t give you any tips of any kind.

I’ll go.

Pardon me?

I’ll go.

You will? Excellent, alright, this is great. You will, really?

I’ll go.

Alright. This is really great. Alright, we’re going out. It’s a date. It’s a scam. Whatever, whatever, alright, I’ll pick you up at what, eight O’ clock?

Eight.

Eight. Eight O’ clock.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Thanks, little man.

Now, work that bag, work that bag J-man. Left hook, right hook, hook up the jab (?), straighten left hand. What do we love?

PAIN!

Work that jab, work that hook, work that jab, okay, take a break, take a break.

Be right there.

Hi. Lloyd Dobler, sir. Pleasure to meet you.

Hello Lloyd.

Hello. Heard about that graduation present. Really quite a car. Look, I know you’re busy, you don’t’ have to retain me, but you can trust me. I’ll tell you a couple of things about myself, I’m nineteen, been overseas for a couple of semesters, but now I’m back. I’m an athlete, so I rarely drink. Kickboxing. You heard of kickboxing, sport of the future? Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson, Lenny [?] merciless, one of the champions of the sport? I can see by your face, no. My point is, you can relax because your daughter will be safe with me for the next seven to eight hours.

Fine Lloyd.

How ya doing? Is she around?

Yeah. Honey?

Whoa.

Would you hold this for me?

Yeah

What are these?

They’re Bavarian Death style (???) pretzels.

Oh. Um, would it be terrible if I wanted to go home early?

No.

Oh my god! Hi Lloyd.

You okay? You want a drink?

It’s gotta stay purple. All night. Hey Lloyd, how ya doin’?

You know Diane Court?

Wow, man. Well. Listen man, I need you to be the keymaster.

Oh, I was just going to...

A very responsible young man you’re out with tonight.

I was gonna...

Thanks a lot Lloyd.

I was just going to kind of move around.

Thanks.

Keymaster?

Yeah, I have to judge who can drive home and who can’t. I have to keep their keys.

So it’s an honor?

No.

We finally graduated, big dude guy!

Alright!

I’m so glad you came to this.

Here are my keys!

Ow! I wish you had done that without the keys in your hand, brother.

Come with me, there are so many cute guys here, c’mon.

Let go of me!

I love you man

I love you too.

Oh boy.

Hey.

Mike Cameron, how you doing?

What?

Mike Cameron. This is one fresh jam, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, hey, oh god. Listen, I wanted to... I don’t know you very well, you know, but I wanted to ask you, how did you get Diane Court to go out with you?

I called her up.

Yeah, but how come it worked? I mean like, what are you?

I’m Lloyd Dobler.

This is great, this gives me hope. Thanks.

Alright. Key?

I wrote sixty-three songs this year. They’re all about Joe, and I’m going to play every single one of them tonight.

I just saw Joe. He’s here.

Well, you don’t have to be so dramatic about it.

You did try and kill yourself because of the guy.

What was it like after it happened? I’ve always wanted to know.

She explained it all on ‘Wake Up Seattle’. Where were you?

Stop! I am fine now, I am alright. All everybody does is ask me about it and I am fine... did Joe come with Mimi tonight?

Keys? Keys?

Alright, keymaster.

Right... hey, how ya doin’?

Lloyd. Lloyd Dobler, I’ve got you.

How ya doin’ Miss Evans?

You missed every one of your career counselling sessions. Call me obsessive, compulsive, but let’s do this right now.

No way.

Lloyd.

What?

Get away from me!

What did I do?

Don’t even follow me. Leave me alone.

Don’t make this like a counsel(?), Lloyd. I got statistics I can show you, I got graphs I can show you. That’s all the stuff I can show you, it all says the same thing. You have to decide on a career.

My dad’s a lieutenant colonel in the army, he wants me to join, he wants to pull some strings. I mean, there’s no possible way.

We’ll just make an appointment for you at Seattle Junior College.

Are you the keymaster?

Yep. I’m not going to go to Seattle Junior College. I mean, I’ve gotta be honest with you, I’m not looking for that, I’m looking for something bigger, you know? I’m looking for a dare to be great situation.

Lloyd, everybody in that party put something down on their record except you.

How many people really know what they want though? I mean, a lot of them think that they have to know, right? But inside, they don’t really know, so, I don’t know. But I know that I don’t know.

Hang tough, Lloyd.

I know we were ‘all too competitive’ this year, but I just want to say that if it hadn’t been for ‘Diane Court [?]’, I probably wouldn’t have gotten into Cornell, because you made me study twice as hard. So thanks.

You did the same for me.

I did? Did you really come here with Lloyd Dobler? How did that happen?

He made me laugh.

Yes... he’s okay dad... you’re welcome. I always call you, you know that... alright ... stop being so grateful... alright, I’ll be home before dawn, okay? Bye.

Oh, would you guys sign my yearbook?

Sure. Would you sign mine?

Yeah.

Did you really have to call your dad?

God, how nightmarish.

I promised.

Is he going to wait up?

Tell him nothing.

Nothing.

I make sure I enter the house crying. He leaves me alone.

I loved in your speech, when you said you were scared?

Lloyd Dobler, alright.

"He likes girls

With names like Ashley

And Kathleen"

I’ll be in the kitchen, Joe.

"That’ll never be me,

That’ll never be me,

That’ll never be, never be me, no.

That’ll never be me,

That’ll never be me,

That’ll never be, never be me, no.

Joe. Joe. She’s written sixty-five songs. They’re all about you. They’re all about pain.

So what’s up?

Stop freaking with her head man. Just stop playing with her mind, you know? She’s a human being. She’s a person. She’s very talented, you know.

Dude, why do you think I keep her tapes? They’re going to be valuable some day.

No. Never. No, never, ever, ever. Don’t you ever think it!

Oh my god.

I mean, Joe was my first love, he was my first sex, and the whole time he was going out with Mimi. He’ll never break up with her. If I see him, it’s "Hi Joe, how are you?", and that is it. I’ll be okay.

Don’t’ worry. He’s at the other end of the house.

It’s too bad more guys can’t be like Lloyd.

He checks up on me, look.

I got some more songs to do.

"Joe lies, Joe lies,

Joe lies, when he cries

When he cries."

So we can finally talk?

Yeah.

‘Lakeside, Lakeside have no fear (?),

How about another year?’

He does this every year?

It’s the worst job since keymaster.

Hi Joe, how are you? I love you.

I love you too.

You invade my soul.

I want to get back together. Mimi’s going to go to college, and I’m going to be alone, but I’m going to break up with her before she leaves.

Have sex with me.

No. Goodbye Joe.

You know, every year I throw this party, every year nobody helps me clear up. Why am I yelling?

I don’t know.

I don’t know. Good on you man. Alright Lloyd.

Maybe we’ll come by tomorrow, help you clear up or something.

Diane, everybody loves that you showed up.

You’re a great rooster. Sign this?

Okay.

So I’m single now, everything’s changed. I hate it.

Give me my firebird keys!

You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys. CHILL!

I love you man.

Alright, I love you too. Go to sleep.

We’re full on bonded.

Yeah, alright.

You are such a great person Lloyd. I’m a good person, but you are a great person.

Hang in there, man.

Yes.

See you tomorrow.

See you. Bye. Bye Diane.

Bye bye.

Hey, drive safe.

Thank-you.

I hereby surrender my duties as keymaster, give me a beer.

Certainly.

I am happy to say that this bag is officially empty.

Uh-oh.

The back bathroom. Let’s go.

Oh, look at this gentleman here.

I gotta get home, gotta go home.

Ooop, excuse me.

How you doin’, brother?

I don’t really know where we are.

I’m about to play you three hours of commercial free rock and roll as the soundtrack to this magical might.

Recognise anything yet? Anything?

Lord have mercy. Three hours of commercial free rock and roll. Good morning...

Hey, that’s it, that’s my house. I live there.

Have a good sleep.

Bye.

Thanks a lot. You guys are the best. Give me a call or...

Uh, did you... so what did they write in your book, what did they write to Diane Court?

Alright, this is some of the things they wrote me; "Glad I finally met you", "You always seemed nice", "Wish I could have known you more"...

Mine say stuff like "Lloyd, see you around maybe"

Nobody knew me before tonight.

They knew of you. Now they know you.

Yeah, but I feel like I fit in for the first time, you know? Like I just held them far away from me, and they did the same to me.

That’s cool then.

Yeah. I’m so glad we did this.

We can walk from here.

It’s just you and your dad, right?

Yeah, but that’s an old story, you don’t want to hear it.

Sure I do.

Well, my parents split up when I was thirteen, and... god, I actually had to... I went into court and I had to choose between the two of them. So I chose my dad. It just felt safer that way, you know?

Watch out for that glass.

Thanks. But either way it still feels...

Twisted?

You know what?

What?

You’re a great date. I’ve never really gone out with someone as basic as you.

Basic. Hmmm.

So what’s your job this summer?

Job? Being a great date.

No, I’m serious.

So am I. I want to see you again. I want to see you as much as I can before you leave. I said it.

I only have something like sixteen weeks.

Sixteen weeks is a long time.

Then call me tomorrow.

Today is tomorrow.

Then call me later.

Oh. I’ll call you later.

Morning honey.

Dad, I’m so glad I went. Goodnight.

Wait a minute. How was Lloyd?

Lloyd was such a gentleman. He was funny and nervous and strange, and I met people that I never would have met before, then I blew it. I called him basic. Can you believe I did that?

Well, I don’t think he’s really been embarrassed by it.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Lloyd is doomed.

Meaning?

Meaning that she made the second date a family audition, which is the kiss of death for Lloyd.

Why?

It’s too much pressure, it’s not his crowd.

What is wrong with this girl?

I told him to be himself.

He’s got that nervous talking thing. I told him not to speak.

Hey, I know this is a strange thing to say, but maybe Diane Court really likes Lloyd.

If you were Diane Court, would you honestly fall for Lloyd?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think I should wear this dress?

Yeah.

Or, or I could always wear this one.

That’s nice.

Oh, um, I forgot to tell you who’ll be at the dinner tonight. Uh, my dad’s accountant, um, and two women who work in his nursing home. I know you don’t know them, but it’ll be fun.

Boy, this is a mother dictionary.

Yeah, I’ve had it forever. I used to have this thing with marking the words that I looked up.

How about this one?

Nice one.

Yeah?

I think you should wear that.

You think so?

Mmmm.

I’d better get downstairs, huh?

Yeah, I gotta change.

Great meal, you two.

You just look beautiful, Diane.

Thank-you.

Same eyes, same nose, same mouth... [?]

So, what airline do they send you over to England on?

Charter.

She’s not the world’s greatest flyer, let me tell you. When she was eight years old, she...

Dad.

Now why can’t I tell the story?

What story?

If you’re gonna tell it, let me tell it.

Well, let me start it. I’m flying down to Los Angeles on business, and I decide to take her on her first aeroplane.

I knew how planes flew, but I was still a little nervous.

Crash paranoia.

Oh.

I had a checklist in mind. I thought that if babies were on the plane, the plane couldn’t crash. But all the babies were crying, and I thought they knew something I didn’t.

So anyway, they closed the doors, and she starts to scream. I’ve never in my life heard anyone scream quite like that.

And then you got up and you told them to turn the