Part Two of Four (Q & A; 10 through 18)
Part Three of Four (Q & A; 19 through 27)
Part Four of Four (Q & A; 28 through 36)
1. What is the Healthy Love program?
Healthy Love is a new kind of abstinence education. Abstinence has been widely recognized as the best protection from AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, and unwanted pregnancy. There are many programs that promote abstinence, but few that give any practical advice on how to reasonably accomplish an abstinent lifestyle.
We have developed a program that teaches a difference between sex and love, and gives realistic, desirable alternatives to premature sexual activity. We present a step-by-step method for making the choices that will reinforce a decision to remain abstinent, so that no one has to rely on willpower alone.
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2. Why do you call it Healthy Love?
The word abstinence focuses on what you're not doing,
rather than what you are doing. When you're not having sex
prematurely, you are free to love and be loved, to do lots of things, and
to grow and become a mature person capable of real, true, deep, strong
love. The term "Healthy Love" illustrates perfectly the process
that includes abstaining from premature sexual activity.
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3. Can abstinence be taught?
Sex doesn't happen by accident; any time we are in a situation where
we decide whether or not to have sex, we have already made choices that
have brought us to that point. These choices involve who we're with, where
we go, what we wear, what we carry with us, and what we're thinking.
In reality, everyone practices abstinence most of the time. Any time we
are not actually having sex, we are abstaining from sex. If you are not
having sex with every attractive person that you meet, then you are practicing
abstinence -- so you must know of some context in which abstinence is realistic.
What we need to do is to learn how to practice abstinence, consistently.
Abstinence can be learned and practiced the same way we learn and practice
any other skill, from playing the flute to driving a car.
To successfully practice abstinence, we need to learn how to make choices
that support our decision to be abstinent. Recognizing situations
and making choices are skills that can be learned and practiced.
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4. What kind of love do we search for?
There are different types of love. Different intensities of love have
different levels of commitment.
Everybody has a dream of an ideal love partner. We want someone who will
love us without condition and without change. Should we seek after this
ideal love, or should we compromise? Should we care if our ideal love partner
has been in a sexual relationship with someone else?
Real love is unchanging and permanent; nobody wants to live happily for
a little while! We all yearn for relationships that will last. We cherish
the friends we have known the longest.
Real love is focused on others. If I am self-centered, people won't want
to be around me for long. Real love is generous, unselfish, even sacrificial,
giving of ourselves to others, without thinking of what we get in return.
Real love is strong -- some say it's the strongest power in the universe.
People will give their lives, anything they have to find love. Real love
is deep and passionate -- whoever we love, we love to the very ends of
the earth!
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5. Does real love only exist in a romantic
relationship?
No, the things we want from a romantic relationship -- permanence, affection,
generosity, intimacy, security -- are actually the same things we want
from every love relationship we have.
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6. Where do we find love?
What kinds of relationships do we find love in?
We start our lives receiving love from our parents; we want that love to
be unchanging, generous and we want them to love us deeply. By receiving
affectionate, unconditional love from our parents we learn to trust others
and to have confidence in ourselves.
Then we begin to love our brothers and sisters, and we certainly want them
to be generous and affectionate! By learning to love and to be loved by
our brothers and sisters we develop our ability to love and form relationships
-- habits we will carry throughout our lives.
When we grow up, we make a commitment to one person and begin our relationship
as husband and wife. We have sex with them, but we want our sexual relationship
to be based on our emotional love, and we definitely want
them to be generous, unchanging and affectionate!
Ultimately, we become parents ourselves, and then, after learning all our
lessons with our parents, our brothers and sisters, and our spouse, we
have a good shot at giving our children love that is unchanging, unselfish,
and deep.
So, there are four primary types of love: love of children, love of siblings,
married love, and parental love. If we learn these basic types of love
within the family unit, we can then extend our circle of love to include
all those whom we come into contact with.
This is real love -- Healthy Love.
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7. How do we learn to love?
Do we learn how to love automatically, by instinct? Are we born generous,
affectionate and unchanging? No, we are born selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless,
inconsiderate -- and that's just the first day!
From the day we are born we begin to develop into mature adults, but we
have to work at it. It doesn't happen automatically. We learn to love by
receiving love from our parents, and practicing with our brothers and sisters.
As we grow and our horizons broaden, we continue to develop our capacity
to love through our interaction with people in all walks of life.
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8. What kind of person would you like
to marry?
Wouldn't you rather marry a mature, responsible person? What are the qualities
of a mature person?
Most people will agree that someone can be considered mature when they
are responsible, dependable, trustworthy, loving, secure, stable, and capable
of self-control. Wouldn't you like to be loved by someone like that?
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9. What is self-control?
We have two kinds of desires: the desires of the body and the desires
of the mind. The body desires to eat, sleep, be comfortable and have sex.
The mind's desires are more internal: it is the mind that seeks knowledge,
goodness, beauty, and so forth.
Self-control has to do with the proper ordering of these desires. The mind
should take control over the body so that physical desires do not become
a hindrance to the fulfillment of our primary, internal goals in life.
For instance, our internal desire to pursue goodness should prevent us
from stealing something -- a nice car, perhaps -- that we desire externally;
our internal desire for beauty will prevent us from littering; our internal
desire for knowledge will push us to study further, even if we feel sleepy.
Just as there are two kinds of desire, there are also two kinds of freedom.
To grant freedom to our physical body without regard to the mind is called
licentiousness. Real freedom is the internal sense of freedom that comes
when we achieve a mature level of self-control, when all our actions are
in harmony with our primary, internal goals, and we feel good about ourselves.
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INTRODUCTION : Part Two of Four
Today's teen-agers are being sent mixed messages about sexuality. On the
one hand they are told not to have sex, but on the other hand they are
subjected to an endless stream of information about "safe" and
"safer" sex, along with explicit guidelines about how to practice
it. They are told that the HIV virus cannot be spread by casual contact,
yet they read that the same virus can be detected in human saliva. They
are told to be abstinent one moment, and to "practice safe sex"
the next.
Safe(r) sex is promoted as something noble, almost saintly, and abstinence
is openly criticized as unnatural and unrealistic, even by government representatives.
In the rush to persuade youth to embrace the condom, its limitations are
glossed over or even completely ignored as if they were nothing more than
obstacles standing in the way of the onward march of perfect public health
and universal enlightenment.
The Healthy Love program shows clearly that the choice between abstinence
and safer sex is a choice between eliminating the risk of AIDS and retaining
it. Moreover, Healthy Love shows that abstinence is not just a question
of not having sex, but is one part of a life style based upon the ideal
of true love, a life style that is practical, healthy, positive, and, above
all, attractive.
10. How do you attract a loving, stable,
dependable mate?
We are most attracted to people who are similar to us in some way,
people with whom we share common interests and goals.
The best way, the surest way to attract a loving, stable, dependable mate
is to become loving, stable and dependable yourself. The best thing you
can do is to spend your time and energy on developing your own character
and personality, with the goal of becoming a mature person capable of sustaining
a stable, loving trustworthy relationship.
What happens when you grow into a mature person practicing Healthy Love?
You are ready to begin a faithful, monogamous relationship with another
mature person who practices Healthy Love. A couple who practices Healthy
Love produces a healthy marriage, and then a healthy family.
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11. What is a healthy family?
How would you describe a healthy family? Most people would probably
say a healthy family is ethical, loving, stable, and loyal.
Do you notice that the qualities of a mature person and a healthy family
are much the same?
Monogamy in a family is the same as self-control in an individual; having
a faithful relationship depends on the self-control of both partners.
You need to be abstinent after you get married: you need to be capable
of abstaining from sex with everyone but your partner, so abstinence before
marriage is practice for fidelity after marriage.
That's why Healthy Love is such an important part of our growth and development.
When we abstain, when our love is healthy, we are free to develop into
our full potential as mature, stable, dependable, responsible, loving adults.
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12. Why do people want to have sex?
What's good about sex?
Sex isn't bad. That's actually why this is such a complicated problem!
Sex isn't bad, but it needs to come at the right time. Sex is a very potent
force, like fire. Fire can be either good or bad; it depends on how it's
used.
Sex feels good. It's an expression of love. It makes people feel closer.
It makes our marriage relationship special. It's how our families keep
growing, it's how the human race keeps developing instead of dying out.
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13. What's wrong with "safe sex?"
Okay, now what's bad about sex? Or, more precisely, what's bad about
premature sexual activity? That's a very important distinction.
Sex between two mature, faithful and committed adults is a completely great,
positive, wonderful, necessary thing. The problems we discuss are problems
that come from sex between people who are not yet mature, and who are not
committed to a faithful relationship with just one person. There are three
main kinds of problems.
First, there are physical problems with premature sexual activity. The
most common problems are unwanted pregancy and sexually transmitted diseases,
including AIDS.
Second are the emotional problems that result from premature sexual activity.
These often include depression, anxiety, insecurity, fear of commitment,
and fear of abandonment.
Third, there are social effects of premature sexual activity. That means
the problems that everyone in society has because some people have unwanted
pregnancies or sexually transmitted diseases.
Young girls who have babies can't support themselves, and often get sick,
and their babies do too. Even when the babies are older, these girls may
not be able to work because they couldn't finish their education. This
is very stressful; when people are under stress they are more likely to
abuse or neglect their children. We all end up paying for people who can't
take care of themselves.
People who catch diseases often can't pay for their own medical care, so
we all end up paying for that, too.
The social effects of premature sexual activity aren't just financial.
The families of people who suffer unwanted pregnancy and disease suffer
with them. It's very sad to see people sick, or little children being hurt,
so as a society, we end up suffering emotionally as well as financially.
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14. What are "safe sex"
and "safer sex?"
"Safe sex" and "safer sex" mean having sex using
condoms and spermicide. This is supposed to give some protection from pregnancy
and STDs, but offers no protection from the emotional problems that result
from premature sexual activity.
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15. Is safer sex realistic?
Let's look at some facts about condoms.
Condoms are supposed to prevent pregnancy by putting a rubber barrier between
your skin and the sperm. However, sometimes the rubber falls off or breaks.
Because of this, the failure rate for pregnancy is so high that if you
have sex twice a week, about once a month the condom might fail.
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16. Do condoms prevent the spread of
AIDS?
The failure rate for AIDS/HIV transmission is even higher than pregnancy
rate because of a naturally occuring defect in the latex rubber used to
make most condoms.
In the 1800's, an English doctor discovered that the rubber barrier also
gave some protection against STDs. However, all the STDs known at the time
were caused by bacteria, not viruses. This may not seem like a problem,
but actually it is: viruses are much smaller than bacteria.
Rubber is a natural product, and it naturally has microscopic holes or
pores in it. These holes are smaller than bacteria or sperm, so bacteria
and sperm don't go through the rubber. However, the virus that causes AIDS
is hundreds of times smaller than the bacteria, so the rubber doesn't necessarily
stop the virus.
How big are these pores? If a bacteria is the size of a house, the holes
in the rubber are the size of a window -- and the virus is the size of
a baseball. So the rubber condom is likely to let the virus right through.
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17. Is sexual activity safe if it
doesn't include intercourse?
Because of the problems with condoms, some people recommend mutual
masturbation. There are several drawbacks to this approach.
The AIDS virus attacks white blood cells, so wherever there are white blood
cells, AIDS may be transmitted. White blood cells are abundant in the mucous
membranes -- nose, mouth, and genitals. Where there is contact with the
mucous membranes of an infected person, the virus may be transmitted.
All sexual activity involves the mucous membranes. This means that all
sexual activity, not just intercourse, may transmit the AIDS virus.
Another major problem with mutual masturbation is that once you start,
you become stimulated very quickly, and it takes willpower to stop short
of actually having intercourse. Then you have very little protection from
disease and unwanted pregnancy.
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18. Is abstinence realistic?
Often when abstinence is discussed or recommended, nothing is said about
the behaviors and choices that lead an individual to engage in sexual activity.
It is presented as if, at the moment of passion and excitement, we are
just going to decide to pass on the pleasure for now for the sake of future
health and wellbeing. This is, quite understandably, not pleasant, and
would require enormous willpower.
In reality, everyone practices abstinence most of the time. Any time we
are not actually having sex, we are abstaining from sex. If you are not
having sex with every attractive person you meet, then you are practicing
abstinence -- so you must know of some context in which abstinence is realistic.
What we need to do is learn how to practice abstinence consistently.
Abstinence can be learned and practiced the same way we learn and practice
any other skill, from playing the flute to driving a car.
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INTRODUCTION : Part Three of Four
The argument most often raised in the public debate about abstinence education
is that, while abstinence is certainly preferable and does work for some,
it is hopelessly naive to expect that the vast majority of teen-agers can
be persuaded to practice an abstinent life style in today's society.
Our teen-agers' minds are saturated with sexually charged messages from
virtually all aspects of contemporary culture. Moreover, accessibility
to numerous contraceptive options, including as a last resort abortion-on-demand,
have enabled the most obvious adverse consequence of promiscuity--the birth
of unwanted babies--to be eliminated at will. We have entered a downward
spiral of depravity in which the very permissiveness of our society increases
the pressure on individuals to engage in promiscuous activity.
In order for abstinence to be effective in such a situation, programs need
to be implemented that give teenagers both convincing reasons
why they should want to practice abstinence and effective techniques
that will enable them to practice abstinence successfully within an environment
that is at best indifferent and at worst hostile to abstinence as a life-style
choice. Healthy Love seeks to fill this need.
19. Doesn't abstinence mean just saying
no?
Absolutely not! You don't teach someone to play football by tossing them
a ball and saying "Just do it." You give them equipment, instructions,
a coach, and lots of friends who are doing the same thing, so that they
have tools, instruction and reinforcement. Abstinence works the same way.
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20. Isn't abstinence just for religious
fanatics?
No, it's not. You don't have to be religious to abstain from sex, you just
have to be sensible. It's about health and it's about relationships. Abstinence
is simply the healthiest way to go, and we want to give everyone the opportunity,
regardless of their beliefs or cultural background.
In fact, all major religions -- Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism,
Confucianism, Christianity, Islam, Sikhism, Jainism, Taoism -- have supported
the ideal of abstinence prior to marriage. Even communist societies have
actively discouraged premarital sex.
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21. How do we learn to practice abstinence?
When you want to encourage someone to play the flute, do you say, "Wouldn't
you like to spend the next several years practicing scales alone every
day, and having your friends laugh at you because you sound funny?"
Do you then proceed to hand them a flute and wish them luck?
No, you would say, "Wouldn't you like to learn to play this beautiful
instrument and have fun making music with your friends in the band?"
Then you would give them the flute, a fingering chart, an exercise book,
weekly lessons, and have them join a lot of other people who are doing
the same thing. You would do this because experience has shown that this
is the best way for someone to successfully learn to play the flute.
This is also the best way to teach abstinence. Provide tools, instructions
and reinforcement. In the context of a thoughtful, structured, supported
program, abstinence is completely practical, normal and reliable.
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22. Are most young people sexually
active?
It's human nature to want to be part of the crowd, and these days, unfortunately,
healthy love and high ideals are under attack. The popular cliche is that
most young people frequently engage in sexual activity. However, a 1992
report from the Centers for Disease Control indicates that 46% of all high
school students have never had premarital intercourse. The same survey
indicates that only 21% of high school students are currently "sexually
active." The other 33%, although not virgins, were abstinent -- sexually
inactive -- during the three months before the interview.
That means that 79% -- a clear majority -- were practicing abstinence.
It's just not true that "Everybody's doing it."
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23. Is abstinence difficult?
It depends on your approach.
If you only rely on saying no, then you may frequently be confronted with
uncomfortable situations, where there is a conflict between your physical
desire and your long-term goals and aspirations.
However, with Healthy Love, you develop a clear understanding of why you
choose to abstain from inappropriate sexual activity. You learn to recognize
the steps that lead to sexual activity, and you learn how to adjust your
habits in ways that maintain your decision to practice abstinence.
Because you choose to bypass situations where sexual activity occurs, abstinence
becomes normal for you, and therefore, no more difficult than any other
routine you practice -- brushing your teeth, getting dressed, or eating
dinner.
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24. What are the challenges to people
who want to abstain?
Peer pressure is a common challenge to people who want to be
abstinent.
People always want to be around others who they have something in common
with. That's why we join groups, why we like to visit relatives and family
reunions, why we look for a mate who is "compatible." If many
people do the same things we do, then we feel like it must be okay -- everyone's
doing it.
We can either find people who are already like us, or we can try to encourage
them to become like us. This can be positive, if we try to encourage people
to become better than they are, by getting them to recycle, volunteer,
or work harder at home or at school.
Peer pressure becomes negative when we try to get someone to stop a good
behavior. Negative peer pressure is what happens when someone tries to
get you to steal, take drugs, or have sex.
So, use positive peer pressure: hang out with friends who support your
decision to be abstinent and friends who have made the same decision.
Confusion of values is another serious problem. Some people
say that, since there is disagreement over value systems, we shouldn't
teach them. Unfortunately, as a result, instead of freedom we have anarchy.
How do we know what to believe anymore?
All cultures, however, agree on basic values and standards for behavior;
it's mostly in the details that we differ. All agree, for instance, that
you shouldn't murder people, you shouldn't steal things, and you should
take care of children. All cultures have rules and customs governing the
ways that people relate to each other.
Emotional Desires can make it difficult to abstain. We all
have a desire for closeness, for intimacy. It's important to realize, though,
that sex doesn't create closeness; if you weren't close before,
you won't be any closer afterwards. Intimacy is a form of trust, which
comes from developing a pattern of shared experiences and unselfish love.
Physical sexual urges can be very strong. They're meant to
be; that's what ensures the survival of humankind.
Media Distortion -- The entertainment media (TV, movies,
advertising) make money by appealing to the broadest number of people.
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25. Why doesn't the media promote a
healthy, abstinent lifestyle?
People want love, but it's hard to show true love on TV, because the
qualities of true love are mostly internal and invisible; how do you show
someone being everlasting? How electrifying is it to watch someone being
responsible, dependable, stable and trustworthy? It probably won't happen
in a 30-second commercial!
Most people are excited to think about sex. Lurid sex stories catch our
attention -- and that's all the advertisers need! They don't care if you
agree with them; they make money by drawing your attention to their product.
Even those who would never engage in sex outside of marriage will watch
sexual situations or at least tolerate them.
There is a lopsided emphasis on physical love. It's up to each of us to
be aware of the images we allow into our own heads, and to remember that
we're in control -- there is an off-button, a different channel, another
magazine.
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26. Will my boyfriend or girlfriend
think I don't love them if I don't have sex?
Love isn't just a question of being physically attracted or having a strong
"crush" on someone. Love entails respect for the
other person, especially for the internal values that person chooses to
live his or her life by. If someone doesn't respect your values, your integrity,
your decisions, do they really respect you as a person? Do they really
love you?
A person who is willing to end a relationship just because you won't have
sex with them never loved you in any real, mature sense to begin with.
And a person who thinks that your unwillingness to have sex means that
you don't care about them is certainly insecure emotionally and should
obtain some form of counseling.
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27. Is it unhealthy to suppress sexual
urges?
Well, have you ever heard of anyone dying from lack of sex? Did you ever
hear of someone's sexual organs exploding because they didn't have sex?
When someone says it's unhealthy to suppress sexual urges, they're usually
talking about a psychological condition, and they mean people who want
to pretend that they don't have urges. Usually you hear that you must express
these urges, or you'll get sick from suppressing them.
But it's not only a choice between expressing or suppressing. What if you
felt like killing someone? That would be an urge, and you can't express
it by killing the person, or you'd be in a lot of trouble yourself. If
you suppress the urge, pretend you don't have it, you might have some kind
of psychological problem later on. What's the healthy thing to do?
Do something to relieve the urge without acting on it directly. Kick a
can. Use the energy of your anger to build something. Take a walk and think
about why you're angry; often you'll decide it wasn't so important after
all.
What you're doing is taking that urge to kill someone and directing it
into a healthy activity. You can, and should, do the same thing with sexual
urges.
Direct all that energy into something creative. Learn to play an instrument.
Make a sculpture. Build things. Sew things. Find a hobby you like, and
pour all your creative nature into it. You'll be growing, maturing, and
learning about yourself. It's the healthy thing to do.
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INTRODUCTION : Part Four of Four
To practice abstinence is a choice. One reason why more young people do
not choose abstinence is that the information that is available to them,
and that they rely upon to make their decision, is heavily weighted in
favor of premature sexual activity and against abstinence. Most young people
can think of more pressing reasons not to practice abstinence
than to do so. This is because abstinence is usually presented in a vacuum,
as if it is purely a matter of refraining from a pleasurable activity,
rather than as part of a larger, desirable and healthy life style. Premature
sex, on the other hand, is promoted as being natural, attractive, fulfilling,
and healthy if practiced "safely."
Sex cannot be separated from its accompanying emotions. The underlying
and unaddressed issue is: What kind of love do we want our society to be
based upon? What is our love concept? Should love be deep or shallow, changing
or unchanging? Should love exist primarily for the individual or the whole,
for myself or for my partner? Confusion in our concept of love is at the
heart of all of the problems in contemporary human relationships. Without
providing them with a clear, rational concept of love, we cannot expect
young people to make a responsible decision to avoid premature sexual activity.
28. How can I keep my commitment to
practice Healthy Love?
No one can impose abstinence on you. To practice abstinence, you need
to make a commitment to yourself. Ultimately, you decide how you live your
life. What you need to do is gather all the information you can in order
to make informed, intelligent, healthy lifestyle choices.
You have to make your decision; nobody can decide for you,
not your teachers or parents or anyone else.
You have to know why you made your decision. Pick out the
points that are most meaningful to you. Positive reasons will last longer
than scare tactics. Think what you have to live for! Write down your
reasons so that they will be clear to you.
You have to own your decision: once your reasons are clear,
make your own choice. Don't sabotage your decision -- don't give yourself
excuses or ways out, like "I'll be abstinent unless I meet someone
really special." If you think that way, then you haven't quite gotten
the point: that abstinence -- Healthy Love -- is freely developing
into your full potential as a loving person, and saving yourself for one
person, who will be faithful to you, and you to him or her.
You have to decide what you want: a stable, lasting, dependable true love
relationship, or a temporary, weak love, going from person to person, with
all the heartache that causes.
Once you decide, act in a way that will realize your goal;
practice Healthy Love because it's consistent with what you want out of
your life, with your own ideals.
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29. How do I keep myself from giving
in to sexual urges?
To remain in control of our sexual urges, we need to control the environment
we choose to be in. Make lifestyle choices that will support your decision
to practice Healthy Love.
Sex doesn't happen by accident. Any time we are in a situation where we
have to decide whether or not to have sex, we have already made choices
and decisions that have brought us to that point. These choices involve
what we wear, what we carry with us, who we're with, where we go, and,
most importantly, what we're thinking.
For example, if you wear football clothes, take football equipment, hang
out with football players, go to a football field, and think about football
plays and strategies, what will probably happen? You will most likely end
up playing football.
If you wear sexy clothes, carry sexual equipment -- a change of underwear,
condoms, lubricant -- hang out with people who have sex, go to a place
where people have sex, and think about hugging and kissing and touching
and sex, what do you think will happen?
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30. Does my clothing influence the way
others see me?
In a sense, clothes are the way we package ourselves. It's how we show
who we are, what we think of ourselves. Usually, people put the most important
aspect of a product on the package. If we see a package with chocolate
on it, what do we expect to find inside? Chocolate, right? We are attracted
to it if we like chocolate. If you dress in clothes that emphasize your
sexuality, what does that say to others about your priorities? Who's going
to be attracted to you? Are you interested in the kind of person who's
focused on sex? Do you want to build a relationship with someone who's
primarily interested in your body?
What do your clothes say about you? Do they show that you have self respect?
Do they show that you take pride in your personal dignity? You can wear
really beautiful, vibrant, exciting clothes, without ever wearing the sort
of thing that draws cheap attention.
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31. How can I be popular while I practice
abstinence?
First you have to ask yourself: who do you want to be popular with? There's
bound to be more than one crowd or clique or group in your school. Find
the people who share your beliefs and interests, instead of changing yourself
to fit others.
People who are promiscuous are not popular. Are prostitutes
popular? It's a myth that sexual activity will make you popular. People
will respect you more in the long run if you have the courage to stand
by your values, whether they agree with those values or not.
Also, remember that you're not just trying to "avoid sex." You
are actively, positively, vigorously practicing Healthy Love. You are growing
into a generous, responsible, dependable, loving person -- and who could
be more popular? Everyone wants to have a friend like you!
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32. What kind of surroundings will
help me keep my commitment to Healthy Love?
Well, for instance, late at night in the dark alone with someone of the
opposite sex is not a good idea. Put yourself in places that will reinforce
your decision to remain abstinent. Make it easy for yourself.
A healthy, supportive environment tends to be bright, open, with lots of
people, clean air, and a family atmosphere that encourages conversation.
It's better to go to places that are planned or scheduled, and it's better
to go out early and come home early. Don't abuse alcohol; it impairs your
ability to make healthy decisions.
If you go to places that are dark, smoky, or isolated, it makes it difficult
to talk. Either you have to lean real close to hear what the other person
is saying, or you may not talk at all. If the person you're with starts
to do something you don't like, are you going to be too embarrassed to
say anything?
If you stay away from places where people tend to have sex, then you are
less likely to be confronted with a situation where your decision to practice
Healthy Love will be challenged.
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33. Is it okay to fantasize about sex?
Daydreaming or fantasizing about physical sex is the first step in
the process of physical sexual arousal. If you focus your thoughts on sex,
you will sabotage your decision to remain abstinent. Would you want your
ideal love partner to be fantasizing about sex with someone else?
Unfortunately, as we already discussed, most of what you'll find in the
popular media promotes a false ideal of physical love, and neglects the
positive values of true love, Healthy Love. You have to be aware of your
own limitations; if you find that certain programs or commercials cause
you to dwell on the unhealthy aspects of physical sex, turn them off. Watch
something else, or do something else.
Pornography makes sex an end in itself, totally divorced from any aspect
of love, compassion, or commitment. Pornography encourages us to see others
merely as potential objects for our own sexual gratification, and not as
real persons who are in need of the same caring, appreciation and understanding
as ourselves. Pornography is therefore completely incompatible with the
underlying values of the Healthy Love program.
Talking about sex will make you think about sex. If your friends start
discussing sex, try to change the subject. Maybe you can inspire them about
Healthy Love! Remember the power of peer pressure: find friends who can
reinforce your decision to practice Healthy Love.
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34. How do teenagers respond to Healthy
Love?
There's a tremendous number of kids who are interested. Obviously they're
curious about sex, but they're really fascinated to hear straight talk
about love, and how to understand the difference between sex and love.
We shouldn't underestimate teenagers. They are not animals!! They are quite
capable of understanding the issues involved if they are presented in a
clear, straightforward manner. And they are quite capable of making and
keeping a commitment to practice Healthy Love.
Kids are very sharp. They're really looking for answers. Their biggest
question isn't why should they abstain, but how? When they are shown step-by-step,
practical instructions on how to practice abstinence, they keep asking
questions till the bell rings. They always want to hear more.
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35. How do adults respond to Healthy
Love?
Healthy Love is aimed at teenagers, but anyone can benefit from this
process. The rules for kids and adults aren't so different. Adults have
to practice abstinence as well; they don't have sex outside marriage. Adults
need to choose their activities as carefully as kids do.
Healthy Love can be a great bond between kids and adults. Single adults
have often expressed a strong interest in the Healthy Love program. They,
too, see a need to remind themselves of the underlying issues involved
in their desire to practice abstinence, and they benefit from the practical
advice contained in the Healthy Love program.
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36. How can I promote Healthy Love
in my community?
You can start a Healthy Love club. Get together with your friends and practice
Healthy Love. The best advertisement for Healthy Love is a walking, talking,
loving person!
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- Click here to order Healthy Love materials
- Feel free to call Teri Lester at (913) 432-2783
- email Teri at tglit@delphi.com
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