With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football.
Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor.
No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football.
your 10 yard line ............. holding hands
your 20 yard line ............. hugging
your 30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
your 40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
MIDFIELD............. tongue kissing(you're in serious territory)
his/her 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
his/her 30 yard line ............. all clothes off
his/her 20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL............. put on the condom
GOAL LINE............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
kicking it deep...........Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end)
on-side kick..............Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, On side kicks are good if they work but are risky)
kick return...............How far you get on the first date
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.
Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards(get further with her, In Canada, you get two downs and then you best kick ie. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are more patient, they get three downs before they should kick again.
Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play..............Skipping stages
OH, OOOHH, AAAHHH!!!
Fumble....................Impotence
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER WAY!! STOP!!)
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover..................Anal sex
Field Goal................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins around their 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown.................Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point...............The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...................ORGY
Missed Field Goal.........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!
3RD down and inches.......Call for a measurement (Move thoseYardsticks)
THE OFFENSE
Quarterback...............The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back..............A hand-off
Tight End.................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver.............Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle...............(Use Your Imagination)
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
Defensive Line............Condom
Break in the defense......Condom breaks
The Safety................The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz...................A "Quickie"
PENALTIES
Roughing..................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside...................Premature Ejaculation
THE BOWLS
Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl................Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
Hula Bowl.................(Use your imagination)
SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-field but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.
I LOVE THIS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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