Disclaimer: I speak for myself and for nobody else. I am not a mental health care professional or a minister. I'm just a person who lost his dad. I strongly encourage you to contact a clergyman, counselor, or other therapist to discuss any effects you may feel with respect to your loss. If you feel you need a reason, tell them about the parent you've just lost. There is no time limit on this. This page is also not meant to cure you of your illness or to suggest any other thoughts are "not valid". It's meant as a service to those going through this terrible ordeal.

My status (at the time of my father's death):

• Single, not involved with anyone.
• Only Child
• Small Family
• 20 years old, in the middle of pursuing my degree.
• No abuse of any type occurred. If that is not your case than this page is of little help to you and I urgently suggest contacting a professional.
• Parents happily married when death occurred.
• Death was by natural causes.

How I felt:

• Like a piece of my body had been cut away from me.
• Like I had no source of approval.
• Like I had lost the "safety net" of having my father available.
• Like it was a terrible crime not to come home one summer/winter/spring break/christmas.

Insights on the above

• Whether we like it or not, a lot of our growth is based on our parents and their attitudes/emotions. If we do not learn and grow we die. Effectively you HAVE lost a piece of yourself.
• Much of the approval we get when we are young is from parents/teachers/professors/supervisors saying "Good job" or "you've done well" and we use that as a guide to know when we can relax and when we can't; when we have done enough work or when we're being lazy. Often when you have been emotionally hurt, such as when you lose a parent, you become sensitive to everyone else's approval, when normally you wouldn't notice anything. This is a dangerous trap to fall into.
• My father's presence was often a safety net for me. I could call home and he would be there. If I needed help with school he would be there. If I needed money, or transportation, he would be there. It's no wonder I felt that way.
• Our parents raise us to be independent. They love their children and want them to be happy. That we dare show that independance is just a natural consequence.

What I did:

• I went into therapy. I was a student at the time and so I could get counseling appointments free. Once I left school I continued with it. I highly recommend this. You learn where you should be really getting your 'approval' from.
• I got involved. In college it was a club called Circle K. Now it's with my local church and other groups. Unless you're joining a cult group of some sort, most groups have good people who want you around.
• I started saving money. I've learned that there are very few scrapes in this world that money won't get you out of. That will help with some of the safety nets.
• I visit my family more often now. But it is on my own terms.
• I kept observing traditions. If you and your parent used to go somewhere together, go there (or don't- whatever makes you comfortable). My father and I trekked for ice cream on Thanksgiving one year because everything was closed, so now every Thanksgiving I go and get an ice cream cone. We also used to get pizza every Sunday, so on Father's day I go and order a pizza and sit with my a picture of my father and just 'talk' to it.

What I feel now, several years later:

• I still miss my father, of course, and hope that this page is of some comfort to someone who has lost a parent.
• I realize that my father was not "perfect", even though he was an awesome father. I do not compare myself to him, because that is an unfair comparison. I am really only comparing myself to an "image" of him, not the actual man.
• I realized my parents raised me to be my own person, and they did not want someone who was 'dependant' on them for everything. Would you want a child who was dependant on you for *everything*?

If your surviving parent is considering remarrying or is dating:

• Realize that your parents are, as hard or new as it may be to see, separate people. You always saw your parents together. If you called one you could ask about the other.
• Realize that NOBODY can replace your lost parent. Hopefully nobody is trying to.
• Realize that you can be happy for your surviving parent without betraying the lost one. I call my mother's boyfriend by his first name.
• Realize your lost parent would probably want you and the surviving parent to go on without them.
• It may seem unfair in a way that a parent can "get a new" spouse but you can't get a new parent. The best I can say is that your surviving parent will never forget the lost one. From what I know, every relationship you have is slightly different. The mother you grew up with will always be your mother and the father you grew up with will always be your father.
• I sometimes feel that my mother's boyfriend ("the enemy :-)") is benefitting from my father's death. Sometimes you might feel that someone is 'invading' your family. This is technically true, but an unfortunate way to look at things. My cousin has had three kids, and that has fundamentally changed the family, but I don't look at that as a bad thing. I suppose the best thing to do is keep the surviving parent's interests as your top priority. (Update: My mother has since started dating another fellow whom I like a lot better).

Why does it seem easier for someone to get over the loss of an abusive parent?

What to do if you are the friend of a young adult who has lost a parent

• First of all, do things to validate their loss rather than minimize it.
• Good things to say include (presuming they are true):
  • I remember what a wonderful person your parent was
  • We will miss your mom/dad as well.
  • He/She was such a great (leader/person/friend to my mom/etc).
• Bad things to say include:
  • Janie's dad just bought her a new car. You don't have to go out of your way on this, but don't flaunt things.
  • Just be happy you had them as long as you did. This might just make them feel guilty that they are grieving, only worsening the burden on them.
  • I know how you feel. An better alternative is "I lost my [parent/grandparent] years ago and remember the pain.". Again, as long as its sincere.
  • You should be over this by now. There are unhealthy ways to grieve and if your friend is not getting better then there is a possibility something more serious has gone wrong. But this would be after a very long time (several years of constant upsetness). I've heard of this happening with 'support' groups which form where people feel almost required to grieve in order to remain in the group.
• The key thing to remember is that their grief is real; Everyone's grief is real and the fact they are feeling it is proof enough. They need to work through it on their own but need your support.
• Hugs are always helpful! Remember your friend is in a weakened state.

Other Shocks:

• Probably the greatest shock in my life was seeing my dad ill for the first time. I don't think I realized the magnatude of this at the time, but the first time I had to push my father in a wheelchair was absolutely draining and shocking. Here was a man who went from being a strong and dominant figure to someone too weak to move without that wheelchair for support.
• Do your best to resolve things like that, which often dwell inside of you. Someone contacted me telling me how their father was ill for 2 1/2 years when he was relatively young (53). Often people who knew your parent are a good source of anecdotes about the better times in their lives.

As an only child:

• In many ways they are oblivious. This does not mean that they don't care, or that they don't think you're upset.
• Remember this doesn't happen very often. Most people are married when they lose their parents. I know my parents both were.
• Remember that loss of a spouse and loss of a parent are two different things. Actually, it's best to think that everyone's grief is different for everything.
• Remember most people have siblings to help with things which you don't. Often an Uncle or Cousin will step in to help. I know my Aunt and Uncle did and I thank them for it.
• YOU MUST take time for yourself. There is no 'right' way to grieve, but some methods are more destructive than others. You are not being greedy or selfish if you want to make some space for yourself.

Always remember:

• It is never too late to ask for help.
• There is no time limit on grief. Whether your parent died yesterday or 20 years ago, it can still be an issue.
• Your parents love you and want you to be happy.
• As long as you keep them alive in your memory, they're really not dead.

Recommended Websites Books/Music/Resources:

Websites

• A time to grieve
• Death and Dying
• Dealing with the loss of a parent

Books

• Melba Colgrove, Peter McWilliams: How to Survive the Loss of a Love It's not just for people losing spouses, like many books are.
• Harold Bloomfield, Peter McWilliams: How to Heal Depression Very good if you're also suffering from depression.
• Victoria Secunda: Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self : The Defining Turning Point of Adult Life I've never read this one but I've seen great reviews on it.

Music

• Mike and the Mechanics: Living Years A song about a guy who lost his dad and regrets their arguments over ideaologies.
• Conway Twitty: Ultimate Collection "That's my job" is about a boy and the sense of security he found in his father. Funny thing is I don't even like the singer very much (or Country music even) but this one hit home.
• Leader of the Band This is one about a man's admiration of his father as the "Leader" of the band.
• Butterfly Kisses (Shades Of Grace) By Bob Carlisle. Women will appreciate "Butterfly Kisses", while men will gravitate to "Man of his word" although certainly either can appreciate either. Ironically my father's death was in Summer of 1994 and he was born in 1925, so his dates of life/death almost match those of the song.
• Dance with my Father again by Luther Vandross. R&B song about a man recalling his time with his father when he was young.
• He Walked on Water Randy Travis. This is actually about a great grandfather but the sentiment is similar.

Videos

I have reviewed most of these and found them very helpful.

Getting help!

• Consider your mental health an investment in yourself- your productivity will improve dramtically if you invest a little money in this sort of counseling.
• If you are a student, your school probably has a counseling program of some sort. I give money to my school's counseling program because of the help they gave me. If you don't know whom to call, call your school's infirmary/health center.
• If you are employed, your employer may have an EAP or other program. Such programs normally limit your number of visits but can authorize your insurance to improve benefits.
• Some of my best friends are "older" people (in their 40's and 50's) who have lost at least one parent and might be able to offer some insight. I was able to counsel a 41 year old friend whose father died (about 3 years ago).
• Some churches offer limited counseling or grief support. Look for a 'stephen ministry' congregation if you are part of the Christian faith. If you know of resources for other faith groups, please e-mail me and I'll add them (as long as I feel that the group is not a harmful one).
• Some schools which have psychology programs may have grad students who need experience counseling or know where their grad students intern. A grad student will do fine if you just need to talk. Make sure to find out about their privacy policy.

Comments appreciated. E-mail me! I am not a counselor, but appreciate thoughts and comments on the site- especially info on how you found it. I have used a lot of the feedback I have gotten to try to improve the site.

This page is dedicated to my father.