10. Watson proudly informs us that despite his experience with
    women spanning 3 continents, he is HIV negative.
9.  Gregson and Lestrade show up at 221B Baker Street wearing t-shirts
    with arrows that point at each other and say "I'm with Stupid".
8.  Holmes appears on Sally Jesse Raphael and Moriarty is brought out
    as ambush guest.
7.  Holmes turns down an invitation to appear on David Letterman's
    show, explaining, "No, Watson does _not_ do Stupid People Tricks".
6.  Watson describes in detail an arriving client before the door is
    opened, to Holmes' astonishment. Watson smugly neglects to tell him 
    about the surveillance camera and moniter he's had installed.
5.  Holmes gets a big laugh out of the fact that, although he has
    policemen in his home frequently, he has never once been busted on
    possession, in spite of keeping his bottle of cocaine out in plain
    sight.
4.  Mrs. Hudson asks why they keep up the pretense of keeping seperate
    bedrooms.
3.  The hansome cab drivers don't speak a word of English.
2.  Mycroft buys a fittness video.
1.  Irene Adler is subpeona'd by Kenneth Starr.

10. Draws moustache of photograph of Irene Adler.
9.  Puts fake ads in agony columns, just to see what he will "deduce"
    from them.
8.  Bribes an Irregular to kick Sherlock in the shins.
7.  Refiles everything in the index in the wrong order.
6.  Puts Coca-Cola in the cocaine solution battle.
5.  Pulls out a harmonica and plays along everytime Holmes brings out
    the violin.
4.  Tells everyone his name is really Arthur Conan Doyle, and Holmes is
    just a fictional character.
3.  Publishes next set of stories as "The Casebook of Jerkwad Holmes".
2.  Puts shredded Devil's Foot Root in the Persian slipper.
1.  Packs bags and moves in with Moriarty.

10. Unlike the _Enterprise_ crew, Holmes would never have trusted
    a "Frenchman" with a British accent.
9.  Holmes didn't need an empath to tell him when somebody was lying.
8.  Holmes wouldn't be caught dead drinking synthehol.
7.  Holmes didn't need to sleep around to prove he was a man.
6.  Holmes never let Dr. Watson pull him off a case for medical reasons.
5.  Holmes would never have wasted time play-acting on a holodeck.
4.  The _Enterprise_ crew plays poker.  Holmes straightened one out
    with his bare hands.
3.  Unlike Picard, Holmes had hair.
    Unlike Kirk, it was his OWN hair.
2.  Spock is just a Holmes wanna-be.
1.  Holmes would rather die than cut a deal with Moriarty.
    Picard cut two.

10. You have read the Doyle stories.
9.  You can argue the Basil Rathbone vs. Jeremy Brett question 
    for days on end.
8.  You'd write to 221B Baker Street just so some clerk in a 
    Public Relations department can write you a fake response.
7.  You have proposed at least one insane theory involving Holmes
    and/or Martians and/or Elvis and/or the Wizard of Oz.
6.  You enjoy discussing Watson's wound, wives, and sex life.
5.  Ditto, Mycroft's sex life.
4.  Ditto, Holmes's sex life.
3.  Ditto, Watson, Mycroft, and Holmes's sex life, together.
    Heh. Heh.
2.  You've got a theory for what Watson did with those other
    1000 cases.
1.  And it involves Irene Adler, Moriarty, the bull pup, and
    the "Literary Agent"!

1.  Can argue, in detail, the relative merits and debits of
    Basil Rathbone and Jeremy Brett's performances as Sherlock Holmes.
2.  Knows Watson isn't an idiot.
3.  Says, "You see but you fail to observe" when someone makes a mistake.
4.  Owns, and may occasionally wear, a deerstalker.
5.  Names pets after Canonical figures (I myself have a cat named Violet).
6.  Screams at the screen when Christopher Plummer wears a deerstalker and
    Inverness to the opera in "Murder By Decree".
7.  Has read all of the Canon, even "The Mazarin Stone".
8.  Owns at least 3 different copies of the complete Canon.
9.  When questioned why he/she has multiple copes of the Canon, 
    says, "And your point is?"
10. Knows snakes can't hear.

10. Watson was an idiot
9.  Holmes was a drug addict.
8.  Holmes was gay.
7.  Watson was gay.
6.  Holmes looked like Jeremy Brett.
5.  Holmes looked like Basil Rathbone.
4.  Holmes said, "Elementary, my Dear Watson."
3.  Watson was a drunk.
2.  Watson was a womanizer who was married at least five times.
1.  Holmes was related to every major historical or literary 
    figure of the last 200 years.

10. Holmes is a fictional character.
9.  Holmes smoked only a calabash-style pipe and took no other 
    form of tobacco.
8.  Holmes snorted cocaine, used morphine and opium, and smoked
    marijuana in his pipe until Sigmund Freud cured him of 
    his drug use.
7.  Holmes never laughed or smiled.
6.  Holmes played the violin extremely badly, usually to 
    irritate Watson.
5.  Holmes was born in London and lived his entire life at 
    221-b Baker Street.
4.  Holmes never drank alcoholic beverages.
3.  Holmes constantly said "The game's afoot" or "Elementary, 
    my dear Watson."
2.  Holmes was in love with Irene Adler, and fathered Nero 
    Wolfe by her.
1.  Holmes lived an "alternative lifestyle" with Watson.

1.  Learn fun facts about poisons
2.  Get to hang around with famous politicians.
3.  (For men) Get to meet beautiful damsels-in-distress
4.  (For women) Get to meet Holmes and Watson.
5.  Get to vicariously experience Mrs. Hudson's breakfasts.
6.  Exciting train travel to all points of England.
7.  Learn how to perform potentially dangerous chemical experiments.
8.  Learn the nuances of canine behavior.
9.  Get to hang around with Watson.
10. Get to hang around with Holmes.

10. Every time I go out, I have to wear that stupid hat.
9.  Watson always eats my breakfast.
8.  The FBI never returns my calls.
7.  That Rathbone guy never got the sideburns right.
6.  Favorite expression is not "a needle a day keeps the doctor away."
5.  Yellow Pages listing always puts me under "Monograms."
4.  Never won "Best Makeup" at the Oscars.
3.  Still haven't been invited to the BSI dinner.
2.  Lestrade won't stop bugging me for my autograph.
1.  Five words:  Mrs. Hudson knocks me up!

      and a bonus one:

0.  No, the giant rat of Sumatra was NOT a thinly veiled
    metaphor for my 'little detective,' if you know what I mean.

10. Were Holmes's methods deductive, inductive, or abductive?
9.  Who was "the most winning woman I ever knew"  (SIGN)?
8.  Who wrote Part 2 of STUD?
7.  Who ever did share that cab with Watson in LADY?
6.  What is Watson's full name?
5.  Just how many times can the word "Bohemian" show up in the Canon?
4.  Do geese have crops? (BLUE)
3.  Just how many Moriarty brothers were there (FINA, VALL)?
2.  Who is Mrs. Turner? (SCAN)
1.  Can a violin truly be played well while held over the knees 
    and carelessly scraped?

10. Get to have a hero who uses his brain, not brawn.
9.  Get to read (and later quote) pithy Sherlockisms.
8.  Get to spot Holmes in disguises before Watson does.
7.  Get to keep count of all the Violets.
6.  Get to skip straight from Final Problem to Empty House,
    unlike those poor souls in 1893.
5.  Get to chuckle at the ridiculous speech of Americans in the stories.
4.  Get to witness Watson swoon (EMPT) and Holmes swoon (REIG).
3.  Get to meet "the" British government, Mycroft.
2.  Get to enjoy the elegant prose style and say "Don't 'cut the
    poetry, Watson'!"
1.  Get to read about one of the great friendships of all time.

10. Instead of hiring a sitter, your date poisons the kids,
    collects the insurance money, and then says "Let's go dutch!"
9.  Your date wants to stop at her friend's house, "St. Monica's,"
    decides she likes somebody there better, and gives you a gold
    sovereign to buzz off.
8.  You get invited to spend the night in your date's bedroom ...
    with Dr. Watson and a snake.
7.  Your date throws acid in your host's face and then tells you
    to take her home to "Hell, London."
6.  Your date keeps knocking you up, then charging you "rent."
5.  Your date's brother is really her husband and their dog has
    that certain "glow" about it.
4.  Your date comes out of the closet, just before immigration
    carts her back to Russia.
3.  Your date's last relationship ended with the words, "Take
    that, you hound--and that!--and that!--and that!--and that!"
2.  Your date keeps asking if you're really her step-father in
    disguise.
1.  Your date insists you call her "Queen Vicky Sweetcheeks" even
    though you've refused a knighthood ... and a dukedom ... and
    Scotland ....

10. Often seen having a fan club meeting with another
    Holmesian and a bottle.
9.  More often seen having a fan club meeting with just a bottle.
8.  Understands when you ask about a gasogene or a tantalus.
7.  Decorates their flat with a Persian slipper for shag, a coal
    scuttle for cigars, bullet pocks on the wall, and the 
    occasional chemical (7% or otherwise).
6.  Enjoys attaching unanswered letters to the mantlepiece with a
    jack-knife.
5.  Keeps tripping on any stairway with 18 steps.
4.  Insists on observing trifles (and knows the difference 
    between trifles and truffles).
3.  When noticing that part of your lunch on your tie, insists
    on finding the second stain.
2.  Claims that bee honey can allow one to live quite a long time.
1.  Prefers 1895.

10. Whenever a woman sends him her picture, he sticks
    a jack-knife through it and skewers it to the mantel.
9.  He's being stalked by Milverton's housemaid.
8.  Chemical stains on Royal Doulton tea-set.
7.  Constant danger of Watson moving back in when his
    latest wife passes away.
6.  That hat!  Ye gods!
5.  Hunky brother Mycroft is always beating his time.
4.  No chance of becoming Lady Holmes when he keeps
    refusing knighthoods.
3.  Mrs. Hudson -- Can you say "Oedipus Complex"?
2.  Are you kidding?  A violin?  The girls all go for
    guitar players.
1.  Tattoo on his chest of an eagle and the name "Irene".

1.  John--There are 34 of them.
2.  James--28 of these, not counting Dr. James Watson
3.  Jack-distinct from John -13 of them
4.  William--11 of them
5.  Mary-9 of these
6.  Arthur-8 of them.  Could the literary agent have changed some
    names to his in order to mask true identities?
7.  Charles-8.  Did you know that Charles Augustus Milverton
    is the second longest name in the Canon?
8.  The following all occur five times:
     Henry
     Peter
     Victor
     Alice

10. There are two people in each set.
9.  Scully and Watson both had a small dog that disappeared under
    mysterious circumstances.
8.  Each team is a duo.
7.  Neither pair ever went to bed together (euphemistically speaking).
6.  If they come to dinner at your house, you'll have to put two
    place settings down in either case.
5.  Scully and Watson are both doctors with lousy practices.
4.  Count the fingers! Twenty both places!
3.  Neither Holmes nor Mulder will ever need Weight Watchers.
2.  There's two of them, dammit!
1.  The mysterious worm unknown to science and that fluke-man are
    very nearly the same thing ....

A couple of additional comparisons between Scully and Watson:

0.  Both had a military background--Scully's father was in the
    army.
-1. Like Watson Scully seems to have the task of writing up the
    case.
-2. Both are good with firearms.
-3. However, Holmes, unlike Mulder, would never, never pose for
    Playgirl.

The Hound

10. The Sign of Pi
9.  That Bastard Moriarty Takes a Spill
8.  A Study in Magenta
7.  Inspector Lestrade Spends a Day in the Park
6.  The Adventure of the Gangrenous Digit
5.  The Chihuahua of the Baskervilles
4.  The Chartreuse Face
3.  Some Old Maid Falls off the Face of the Earth
2.  He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother

And the Number One rejected Sherlock Holmes story title:
        How to Fix a Faucet, Get Engaged, Burgle a House,
        and stay Fit, All in One Week

(If you look closely enough, all of these fit the actual stories)

1.  Plays the violin (ever seen the White Shoulders ad?)
2.  Enjoys gourmet fare, but cheerfully accepts cold meats.
3.  Likes children (or, at least, Street Arabs)
4.  Appreciates the spirituality in the face of a woman.
5.  Deplores brutal men.
6.  Has a wicked sense of humor.
7.  Has a strong sense of home.
8.  Goes to concerts.
9.  Has a place in the heart of town.
10. Likes flowers.

10. "Hey, the lion didn't get the good parts, babe!"
9.  "All that bicycling gives you a lot of stamina, I'll bet."
8.  "Want to come back to Baker Street and see my tin dispatch box?"
7.  "Yes, being Sherlock Holmes is a lonely business. I have to go
    out in this disguise just to seek some small companionship
    without being killed."
6.  "You think that's got a kick -- ever done Radix pedis diaboli?"
5.  "Even Holmes would call that a body of evidence!!!"
4.  "No problem! What I really wrote was that I had an experience
    of incontinent women ..."
3.  "Let me show you how Holy Peters fit two bodies in that coffin."
2.  "I've got a couple pearls you can add to that collection, sweetie."

And the number one Watson pickup line:

1.  "He may be the world's greatest detective, but I'm the doctor
    of L-O-V-E."

10. An elaborate tapestry dummy bell pull
9.  A photo of an Indiana battlefield used in slide form as the back
    projection for a performance of "Fixed Point."
8.  A business card from Sherlock Plumbing (a real company) as well as
    a photo of their neon logo (SH holding a wrench).
7.  A jew's harp
6.  A giant Hound puppet with moveable mouth whose eyes and teeth glow
    under black light.
5.  A "Shining Time Station" railroad car (toy) with a silhouette of 
    Holmes in one of the windows.
4.  A set of green plastic "glow-in-the-dark" teeth
3.  A professionally made name tag that says "J. Browner, Steward, L.D.
    and L. Steam Packet Company"
2.  A real harpoon

And the number one item is:

1.  A bottle of codeine pills (for back pain) imprinted with the 
    company's name: WATSON

10. An autographed photo of Jeremy Brett
9.  A bottle of Radix pedis diaboli (actually NaOH)
8.  Persian slipper filled with Dunhill's 21,000 mixture
7.  A dancing man candlestick
6.  An Enoch Drebber bulldog lapel pin
5.  A cardboard box wrapped in brown paper and tied with tarred
    twine, inside of which is rocksalt and two ears severed
    from rubber masks and slathered with blood
4.  A newspaper-clipped message: "As you value your life or your
    reason, keep away from the moor."
3.  A bottle of House of Commons single malt scotch
2.  A hypodermic syringe, with vial and cork
1.  A gold sovereign, dated 1894

1.  4 Scrapbooks full of articles and advertisements regarding Holmes
2.  A cartoon of Jeremy Brett signed by Mr. Brett(carefully framed)
3.  A letter to me from Peter Cushing (also carefully framed)
4.  A program from "The Secret of Sherlock Holmes".
5.  A copy of the novelization of "A Study in Terror" by Ellery Queen.
6.  A copy of the novelization of "The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes" by
    Mollie and Michael Hardwick
7.  A first edition (unfortunately a library copy but still in good shape)
    of Basil Rathbone's autobiography "In and Out of Character".
8.  A syringe, without needle.
9.  A small portion of the Agra treasure (unfortunately, only a prop).
10. A collection of Holmes movie and television posters, including two
    for "The Private Life" and two for the Granada series.

1.  a recording of my phone answering tape of a quite
    inebriated Jeremy Brett enjoining me to write to Dame
    Jean Conan Doyle, saying that I should tell her that
    Sherlockians actually know that her father wrote
    the Canon. (imagine that!)
2.  A series of ads in the American Bicyclist and Motorcycle
    Review magazine featuring Sherlock Holmes solving the mystery
    of the introduction of the new Harley-Davidson model 5-35
    (Date: October, 1912)
3.  A postcard of Sir Arthur What'isname riding a bicycle,
    autographed on the reverse by Jeremy Brett.
4.  The bent (and straightened) poker from Holmes' grim encounter
    with Grimesby Roylott.
5.  All of the 'Cabs', the publications of papers presented to
    the Speckled Band of Boston.
6.  A solid gold Speckled Band pin.
7.  A large collection of Peter Blau's newsletters
8.  ditto for the Lascar's 'Plugs and Dottles'
9.  A Hounds of the Internet pin.
10. (and most important) several editions of the Canon!

1.  "Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up." (SPEC)
2.  "I went to it on my knees." (EMPT)
3.  "A sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up." (TWIS)
4.  "In the bathroom....I have just been there, and I have taken
    it out." (TWIS)
5.  "He seemed to take a fancy to me from the first....one thing led
    to another." (WIST)
6.  "It's lucky for you....or you would find yourself in Queer
    Street." (SECO)
7.  "Still, I confess that I miss my rubber.  It is the first
    Saturday night for seven-and-twenty years that I have not
    had my rubber." (REDH)
8.  "I remember nothing until I found myself lying on my bed
    trembling all over.  Then I thought of you, Mr. Holmes." (COPP)
9.  "I heard a little sigh of satisfaction as he cuddled the butt
    into his shoulder, and saw that amazing target..." (EMPT)
10. "A week later I found myself in Florence." (EMPT)

10. Dreams of being Moriarty so vividly that he talks about
    it in his sleep, leading his wife to call him James.
9.  Replaces the real tobacco in Holmes's Persian slipper with
    Folger's Crystals.
8.  Says "Norbury" loudly whenever Holmes opens his mouth.
7.  Trains a cormorant to peck at Holmes's head every time he leaves
    Baker Street.
6.  Uses spackle and paint to convert Holmes's patriotic "VR"
    to a less patriotic "VD".
5.  Puts a second hole through the forehead of Holmes's papier-mache
    bust.
4.  Refers to Lestrade in Holmes's hearing as "the smartest man
    in London".
3.  Trains the bull-pup to howl like a banshee every time Holmes
    starts playing the violin.
2.  Removes the agony column from every copy of Holmes's Times.
1.  Replaces Irene Adler's picture with one of Oscar Wilde holding a lily.

and the real kicker...

0.  Comes down for breakfast one morning wearing a frilly pink tutu
    and Viking horns; asks Holmes, "So what can you deduce from THIS,
    smartypants?"

10. You enjoyed The Mazarin Stone 
9.  Five words: The Dachshund of the Baskerville. 
8.  Instead of being "The Napoleon of Crime", Moriarty's role is
    reduced to that of "used car salesman". 
7.  In the middle of The Sussex Vampire Holmes starts quoting
    from It Takes a Village (this from the "PC" version of the
    Canon). 
6.  Every Saturday night Holmes headlines at "The Comedy Zone".
5.  Watson is rejected by a woman. 
4.  Instead of attending "Les Huguenots" Holmes checks out the
    latest Pearl Jam concert. 
3.  At the end of The Speckled Band Holmes runs away with an
    acrobat from a passing circus.
2.  A John Deer cap and a can of Redman has replaced the Deerstalker
    and pipe (this from the North Carolina version of the Canon). 
1.  Watson is good for something.

10. You insist that everyone calls you by your last name only.
9.  You start spending an inordinate amount of time peering into
    music shop windows at violins....and you never played one.
8.  When you visit your physician, you insist on calling him/her
    Watson, and every diagnosis of your doctor is elementary.
7.  You insist on subscribing to the evening edition of London
    newspapers.
6.  You insist that the new Moriarty family which just moved in
    down the block, has a sinister secret to withhold. A fact that
    makes you less than welcome at their neighborhood cookouts.
5.  You start inspecting vegetables at the market with your new
    magnifying glass. A fact that makes you less than welcome with
    the produce manager.
4.  The phone number for Scotland Yard is in your telephone's speed dial.
3.  The local tobacconist loves you, but wishes you would quit bring
    in old slippers and telling them to "fill it up".
2.  You want to buy a new home...but only one located on Baker Street.
    And only one at the address of...well need I say more.
1.  You buy a new CD thinking that the "Canon in D Major" is the
    musical version of The Blue Carbuncle.