"Can I have fifty quid to mend the shed/ I can pay you back as soon as I get this postal order from Australia/Love, Ewan." -Ewan MacTiegel

We've loosely rated these from top to bottom, ranging from a mildly irritating itch to gnawing off your own limbs to get away. So, the farther down you go on the page, well...the farther down you go. You'll see what we mean. Note that most of these books are still works of some of our favorite authors, and thus we don't intend to slam the actual authors. We merely feel that these books don't quite live up to the usual standard we've come to expect from these writers. 

Think we're full of crap? Post your own review! It's Open Mic night at the Poetry Slam! So make youself heard, cats and chicks! Mail to maraj42@aol.com

The New Rebellion, Kristine Kathryn Rusch -In preface, I've got to say that this is one of the better written Star Wars novels out there. Rusch has talent, I simply feel that she was too restricted by the Star Wars canon. Left to her own devices she would be great. She indulges in less character assasination than most, in fact I was pleased with her handling of some of my favourite major characters. She brought some original ideas to the table, that unfortunately were never completely realized; such as the droids' seamy underworld and the use of droids as a battle force unto themselves (this was before The Phantom Menace, after all). But these plot lines were largely ignored as the story progressed in favor of the tired force battle story between Luke, Leia, and, you guessed it, kids...another dark Jedi. Tying Han to the supposed plot to blow-up the Council (Coruscant exploded again! Aw, geez, man.) was pretty contrived and hokey. Also, I can't really see Wedge as a general, but, that's not really her fault as those who came before her are probably to blame for that. Was happy with Karrde and Mara, though they really only had cameos, but that's more than I can say for almost every other Star Wars novel since the Thrawn Trilogy. The rose-scented, psychic Furby (Thenbee?) thing that became Luke's new best friend was pretty Ewok-ish. Why is it that sf authors are obsessed with having Luke commune with anything and everything. It's animism at its most ludicrous; if he's not talking to undead spirits, he's talking to coral or bat-creatures or big, giant, evil teddy bears. It's frustrating! Anyway, I give it 3 out of ten for style and 5 out of ten for effort. A mean score of 4. Not too shabby.

I, Jedi, Michael Stackpole -I can't really like this book for the same reasons I didn't like Anderson's Jedi Academy Trilogy; because, well, they're the same book. Yes, I know that Stackpole and Zahn have endeavoured to put to rights all the silliness that ill-advised authors have wreaked upon George's vision. But, really...I suppose I could rationalize it all by saying that everyone's reality is created by his/her point of view and that's why Stackpole's Corran Horn experiences a wildly different Jedi Academy than the one we are given in Anderson's novels. But...I just can't. It doesn't work. Stackpole is a good author...better than this novel. The plot feels painfully contrived. There's no ring of truth to the characters or situations. In truth, Stackpole's novel surpasses Anderson's trilogy in both literary quality and developed dialogue. But I can't reconcile that fact that it contradicts the original story in many ways. I feel like the Star Wars universe has become a Slam Book; just passed round from person to person with everyone scribbling 'who likes who' or 'who's the most popular' on every page. I had high hopes for this book, because Stackpole and Zahn have been the only authors thus far who have managed to do the saga justice. Maybe they should have given the entire timeline to those two and let them play. I don't know, but trying to engage in revisionism isn't the way to go.

Triplet, Timothy Zahn -This book actually has a compelling plot and interesting characters. The story centers around a grad student who goes to the three worlds that comprise "Triplet" to study the unexplained magic there. Her guide is a roguish dude named Ravigan. The trip starts well, except for some nudity in a badly lit tunnel that I personally could have lived without. But other than that the plot is interesting. The only problem is the conclusion of the book. Our heroine keeps doing willful, stupid things that nearly get everyone killed and the bad guys are painfully obvious. (Melentha never consorts with the devil at home...) My favorite character was Hart, the bodyguard. He was keen. Halkrast!

Mistress of the Empire, Raymond Feist and Janny Wurts - In many of my dreams, a la Mara Jade, I see Feist and Wurts sitting at their respective keyboards preparing to write and hoping, praying, that this time it might turn out differently, that they might change their minds and leave the ending of Servant of the Empire as is. Unfortunately, the cold reality of it is that they got together and wrote Mistress of the Empire, the book that rips the previous two apart and turns Mara of the Acoma into a sensitive, caring nurturer...what a cruel fate. Furthermore, this book reshapes Mara's entire society until at the end they all but join hands, put flowers in their hair and sing "If I Had a Hammer."

Rage of a Demon King, Raymond E. Feist - So why is it that everyone from the Riftwar series is dead, but our two magical heroes, Pug and Tomas, just get to experience eternal youth and immortality? Never mind, there's a horde of invading lizard people and bloodthirsty mercenaries that seems oh, so much more interesting. While we're at it let's thin out the cast a little. And now let's see who the villain really is! It's the Emerald Queen! No, it's a demon! ...No...It's the combined consciousness of the Dragon Lords trapped within the Lifestone. No, it's the universe?

The Hand of Thrawn Series, Timothy Zahn -Honestly, you can't really blame Timothy Zahn for these books. I really believe that he was just trying to make the best of the piles of crap left by other authors for him to clean up. Unfortunately, even if a very skilled artisan tries to make a swan ice sculpture out of a pile of crap, you can't escape the fact that it is still a pile of crap. The other major problem with these books is the fact that no one yet seems to have learned the lesson that TV taught us in the eighties: Even if your audience says they want the protagonist and his lady-love all hooked-up and happy, that isn't really what they want at all. ("The programmers treat the general public like idiots!" "Well, we are idiots!") Try as he might to reconcile the inconsistencies and ridiculous plot points from previous books, it just doesn't work. By this point, I wanted the Empire to rise again and reclaim control of the galaxy. Several points that actually made me cringe: Han and Karrde gossiping like old hens on Leia's private phone line about "relationships," Luke "accidentally" falling on top of Mara in an airlock (Didn't I see that on Days of Our Lives?), telepathic, winged bat-creatures?, our E-Z Bake Mara V2.0 Replacement Girlfriend tm for Karrde, and the super-happy, Scooby-Doo ending. Gag me. I will say, that the one character I was pleased with was Admiral Pellaeon. He developed quite believably into an astute, logical military strategist. Thank God, someone paid attention to Grand Admiral Thrawn (the real one, not the con man impostor or the clone. Oh, didn't I mention that?). Before you say to yourself, "God, that was way harsh! What a heartless bitch!" Let me reiterate once again, I am not suggesting that Timothy Zahn is a bad author or that his books suck. I just think that all of the other sucky books that came between made it nigh impossible for him to salvage the characters. And, I will point out, that most of his books are on our VIP page...at the top, no less.

The Terminal Man, Michael Crichton - This book isn't really bad, it just isn't as interesting, in my opinion, as Crichton's other books. It it very short and the characters in it seem to just be reincarnations of characters from Crichton's other books. Some even have the same names. This one simply failed to grab my attention. Oh well, they can't all be winners.

The Dig, Alan Dean Foster - I would just like to say thank you. Thank you so bloody much for taking the characters I loved from The Dig game and totally rewriting their personalities, making them whiny and irritating. This book is a dismal failure in relating the unique environments of the game. Perhaps it simply doesn't translate well to print, but that still doesn't excuse the total revision of the characters' personalities.

Faerie Tale, Raymond E. Feist - This book starts out pretty well, but by about half way through it starts to make the reader feel really dirty. Mystical demoic rape? No thank you. I appreciated Feist's attempt to challenge himself with a non-fantasy world, and he does a good job of it, but the book's fantasy aspects come in the form of disturbing spirits which screw with people's minds and molest them. Not a real fun read; it made me feel like taking a seriously long shower afterward.

The Lost World, Michael Crichton -Proof, once again, that greed can be a terrible thing.

The Truce at Bakura, Kathy Tyers -About thirty seconds after the Battle of Endor, Luke takes off for parts unknown to save some assbackward planet from evil, brain-sucking lizards. Rather than getting grief counseling after witnessing his father's death, Luke gets a new hippie girlfriend, instead! And there's some crap about an imminent invasion, but somehow, these new 'fearsome' aliens are never heard from again. And neither is Luke's woman. Hmm.

The Jedi Academy Trilogy, Kevin J. Anderson -Oh, my. Where to start? First off, somewhere in the abyss in between this trilogy and Zahn's original Thrawn series, the Emperor resurrected himself through cloning, Luke went over to the dark side of the force, and Coruscant exploded a couple of times (thank you, Dark Horse Comics). So now, Luke feels equipped to proclaim himself Jedi Master and start Master Skywalker's Jedi Technical College ("Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do...") Han and Leia procreate, again. And for some insufficiently explained reason Talon Karrde runs away screaming like a little girl chased by phantom assassins and Mara Jade takes to wearing tight-ass spangly body stockings and dating Lando Calrissian, for the love of all that's good and holy. Oh, yeah. And the Empire is still lurking about lamely, there's a superweapon, and an undead dark Jedi in an Aztec temple, and Wedge gets an irritating blue girlfriend who also happens to be the scientist responsible for creating the Death Star (for "peaceful purposes," of course). And I almost forgot, the sexist, racist, species-ist Empire promoted a woman to Admiral and let's her run everything. Uh-huh.

Children of the Jedi, Barbara Hambly -Ah, the ages old story: boy meets girl. Girl is disembodied spirit trapped in supercomputer. Boy's Jedi student offs herself so the happy couple can use her body. C'est l'amour. *sigh*

Darksaber, Kevin J. Anderson -Our brilliant saga continues as Luke and Han have a seance on Tatooine to summon the spirit of Obi Wan Kenobi. Instead, they find Hutts, another superweapon, and a disembodied brain! Everything would be all hunky-dory except that Luke's new, undead-Jedi-spirit girlfriend, Callista (now inhabiting the body of Luke's recently deceased Jedi student), has lost her force powers for some (you guessed it!) insufficiently explained reason. Pellaeon comes out of retirement to team up with Grand Moff Tarkin's girlfriend to reclaim the galaxy for the lame-ass Empire. Mara shows up at Luke's ITT Tech Maya Ziggurat to pout, jig, amble, and flirt with Luke, sparing some time for a polite little catfight with Callista, who's bummed because no one wants to sit with her in the cafeteria. Look out Jerry Springer! ("Luke's mine and ain't nothing you do gonna change that, you tramp!" "She don't know nothin', Jerry! Luke wants me cuz I'm a real woman and I give him what he needs, Jerry!" Meoww!) Oh, and to thin out the cast a little, Crix Madine gets killed off just for the hell of it. And at the end, Luke gets a "Dear John" letter. So, apparently, his Barbie Doll-esque Jedi student ended her perfect, pretty-princess life for naught.

Planet of Twilight, Barbara Hambly -"and...watched with the sudden, agonized hope that this time it might end differently. But no..." Another heretofore undiscovered Imperial warlord with a superweapon (this time it's New Age crystal-powered super-missiles) kidnaps one of our heroes. Someone's using biological weapons on the New Republic military. And Luke goes off half-cocked in search of closure with his whiny girlfriend. Coincidentally, this is all happening on the same planet where using the Force causes hurricanes, plague, and pestilence. There are also, of course, more lost Jedi somehow missed by the Emperor during his purge. (If he was really as sloppy as some of these authors would have us believe, then how the hell did he ever pull it together long enough to take over the galaxy?) Leia and Callista (every time I read her name I get the absurd mental image of Ally MacBeal and the dancing baby having a lightsaber battle) go on a Lifetime Television, Primal Scream Therapy, Outward Bound together to help Leia work through her father issues while the rest of the galaxy goes straight to hell. Luke communes with some super-intelligent, sentient Jedi coral and Admiral Daala (Grand Moff Tarkin's girlfriend sans Pellaeon) turns out not to be such a bad sort, after all. Because, you see, all she really needed all along was the love of a good man to make her whole. So now she can stop being a bad, evil, planet-destroying Imperial leader and get married to her newly rediscovered childhood sweetheart. So it all works out!

The Corellian Trilogy, Roger MacBride Allen -Thrill as we follow the Solo family on their family vacation! Boy, the, uh, pace sure never lets up in this piece of cheese. As previously stated, children do not belong in the Star Wars universe. Let the little rug rats stay on the Enterprise playing keep away with Captain Picard's toupee' where they belong. Aside from the presence of Han and Leia's 'precocious' (read: irritating) offspring, Han's evil, identical cousin shows up to take over the planet. Coincidentally, at the exact time the Solo fam decides to vacation there. Lando gets a wife with a big booty and lots of cash. And Mara shows up (apparently after leaving Talon Karrde still cowering under his desk terrified of assassins, where he's been since the end of the Thrawn trilogy) for some superfluous Thelma and Louise action with Leia.

Well, some of you are probably very angry with us by now. And that is completely understandable. After all, we may have just ripped apart one of your favorite books. Possibly even, a book you yourself have written. Now, just remember, these are only our opinions. They're only opinions, they can't hurt you unless you let them. But if you still feel the need to e-mail and tell us how wrong we are, go ahead. maraj42@aol.com

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