Helping Others

All the time, every moment of the day, we're in the world and either making it better or making it worse. Because we're all inter-connected, our thoughts spread out and affect everything around us. When we feel bad, we might treat people in an ill-natured or thoughtless way, which can lower their mood, and they might do the same to the next person they meet, and so it carries on. Perhaps, my bad mood could travel through various other minds, fanning out, until it eventually brings one person down enough to cause a family argument, in another country!

A theory of physics is called 'The Butterfly Effect". This states that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world can begin a chain of events in the air around it that causes a hurricane somewhere else on the planet. Like the way an avalanche must begin with a single grain of snow, as just one grain had to be the first. So you see, unhappiness really isn't an option as you're making yourself ill as well as spreading that mood, affecting peoples' actions and thus events. We're like lights that never stop shining and have no limits, but our colours can change so we don't always radiate the best of ourselves. Any time we go through life, we're either spreading disease and despondency - or health and happiness. It's not possible to unattatch the way our minds and bodies are connected, or the way we are linked to other people.

One thing you can do to alleviate the precarious position that we are all in is to consciously spread happiness. Once the rest of the methods in this site work, then your mood will improve anyhow. When you find your peace then you can deliberately radiate happiness outwards. Also, making other people happy is curative in itself. Even if it's hard to make yourself happy, making other people happy will distract you from your own mind.

One way in which you can help people in everyday situations is to learn elementary counseling. This doesn't mean to go round like some do-gooder, seeking out depressed people and playing at psychologist. All the time we're meeting people and all of them have their problems, like you and I. If you had a simple understanding of the principles of counseling, then this would mean that your interactions with them wouldn't be random, but structured with a goal in sight - their happiness! You can transform mundane conversation into something that really helps people when they need it. This is a great way to spread the influence of your new, happy mind.

Alright, let's start. Say you're with an acquaintance and they've got some kind of problem that they're talking about. They obviously need to discuss it with someone and you've decided to be a good friend. To start with, there are four general attitudes you could take.

1 - Evaluative

You could listen and try and sum up their situation with a conclusion/recommendation on a course of action. WRONG!

2 - Interpretive

You could ask lots of questions to try and interpret their situation, trying to help them by changing their perception of the situation by telling them how you see it. WRONG!

3 - Supportive

You could agree with all their statements and be sympathetic with their plight. WRONG!

4 - Probing

You could fire away questions to try and make them think of angles they haven't thought of before. WRONG!

5 - Understanding

You can stay within their frame of reference, comprehending their feelings, motives, and go through the four stages of counseling to help them arrive at their own decision from within their own frame of reference. That's right, counseling isn't sympathy - it's structured, with a goal - even if that goal is inner-change. To be understanding at this stage you have to enter their frame of reference, you'll know when you're there when you get their response Yes, that's it exactly to something you said. RIGHT!

Firstly, before we go onto stage one, if you've decided to help them and spread happiness - then do it properly. Look at their face, maintain eye contact, show interest and restrain any distracting behaviour, like drumming your fingers, sniffing occasionally or whatever.

1 - EMPATHY

Use their language.

If they're speaking very informally using slang etc. then get in the same verbal - mode and try to mirror them, and the opposite if they are formal.

Use their feeling tone.

If they're sluggish and speaking despondently, don't rattle off a fast, optimistic speech. The point is to understand their frame of reference and how they are experiencing the world.

Respond.

Don't stay silent for too long. Even if they're giving a lengthy explanation of something, ask a few pertinent questions or check facts, so that the conversation doesn't become one-way.

Verbalise your reactions.

If you start to form a conclusion like I think maybe your ultimate unhappiness isn't only your relationship with your boss, but also job dissatisfaction generally? Then ask them that question to check your understanding.

Watch their body language.

If they're talking of a person that they say they like but suddenly give closed gestures, notice.

Self-disclosure.

If you've been in a similar situation or had similar feelings, tell them about it, as this will increase the bond between you.

2 - RESPONDING

Gather Data using the guidelines in stage one.

Check your understanding of all the facts.

Try and enter their frame of reference i.e. see and experience the world as they do.

Try and get the correct FEELING WORD. If they're saying that the boss is an imbecile, ask: You're frustrated that your boss is incompetent, as that may reflect on you? If they say no, ask how they feel, frustrated, despondent, angry? Let them pick their feeling word - but it's important to find it and it describes how they are experiencing the problem and so gets you inside their F.O.R.

Possibly use a symbolic comparison. You could say: You feel like a ship adrift at sea? or whatever, to check if you're in their frame of reference.

Don't go deeper than they do. If they're having problems with their male boss, don't ask them if their own upbringing by their father is relevant, unless they bring that up themselves.

Don't guess; let them reveal.

At the end of this stage, you should be able to say:

You feel ------- because -------- (reason)

and they say: Yes, that's it exactly (or something similar). E.g.,

You feel frustrated because your bosses incompetence makes you look bad.

3 - PERSONALISING

Right, so once they've validated your response you move onto personalising, helping them see where they fit into the equation, and thus do something about it. You've understood where they are, now find out where they want to be. Do they want a better relationship with their boss, or a new job?

You have to help them discover how they've contributed to the problem themselves, what they did or didn't do. That's not mean, it's kind, because if they've had some part in creating this situation then they can have some part in it's solution. Have they not tried other ways to solve it? Did they choose a very high-paying job rather than something they like? Don't tell them how they contributed, ask them.

Understand their value system. For example, work might be just a way to get money to you, but to them it's important to have a fulfilling career. Make sure you understand and can be in their frame of reference if it differs to yours.

Compare them with someone who has successfully resolved a similar predicament. If you both know a person who solved a comparable difficulty, then would that solution work in these circumstances? What was the difference in their reactions or behaviour that solved their problem, and is that missing in this situation? Even if not, then it at least shows the problem can be solved at all.

Ask them who they would like to be like, that is a person that doesn't have this problem, then probe what is the difference between them? If it's a problem with their boss, then can they think of someone who gets on famously with the boss, what is the dissimilarity between the two situations. Is it a solution of this problem?

Now, by the end of the first stage you had only understanding, by the end of this stage you should have both have discovered a personal deficiency, how they contributed to the problem - and a goal, where they want to be.

You feel ----- because ----- you cannot ------ and you want ------- and you wonder what you can do about it?

e.g.

You feel angry because your boss's incompetence reflects on you and you cannot decide if it's him you don't like or your job, and you want to come to a decision now and you wonder what you can do about it?

4 - INITIATING.

So far, the first three stages concluded with a statement; on this stage we actually begin with the sentence.

Your goal is ----- which steps could you take?

e.g.

You goal is to decide if you want to normalise relations with your boss or switch careers. What steps could you take?

Point out possible steps e.g. seeing a career advisor, working out a budget to see if they could live in a lower-paying, happier job.

Respond as they react to each step. Are you leaving them cold; do they have objections? Body language?

Develop the steps. What would be the second step after the first, and the next, the next, and so on.

Point out the first step and motivate them to take it. The very first step could be calling inquiries and getting the number of a careers advisor, and there's no reason that couldn't be done right now. Think how much better you feel when you've actually done something to solve a problem rather than just talk about it, and that good feeling will now snowball to help them complete all the steps. Problem solved! When they feel you've grasped what they are feeling and have taken the first step, you've made it!

They've been understood, laid out a path to a solution and taken the first step. They're happy, because of you! And like the butterfly flapping its wings, your little piece of happiness shall spread out forever.

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